Daddy Issues

”How about we go to that theme park you love so much, just the two of us.” The little girl feels a lot of excitement, whilst at the same time she wishes she could’ve gone with her mom instead. However you won’t tell him that, for one because you don’t want to hurt his feelings but also because you do really want to go. 

With everyday that we get closer to the day we’ll leave you get more and more excited. You are also quite nervous. 

The day has come, mom has packed your snacks in your backpack you’ve got your coat on already. You are ready to leave, now the waiting game begins. He will pick you up any moment now, the longer it takes the more nervous you get. 

He doesn’t show up, it hurts but is it that big of a surprise? Maybe that is why it hurts, because you could’ve known. You should’ve known.

This little girl waited for years for him to show up, but as soon as he promised she knew it wouldn’t happen. Because he never kept a promise. 

”Give daddy one more chance” he would always say. And you always said ”I already did, so many times.” from the age of five, that little girl had to be the adult. 

At one point he didn’t show up anymore, no birthday cards no nothing. Although she felt hurt, disappointed, abandoned she also felt relieve. A weight lifted off her shoulders. Is that bad?

At first this little girl was filled with sadness. That later turned into anger, so much anger. After that came acceptance and after many battles even gratitude. 

Friendships, or any relationships were always a bit of a struggle, trust issues they say. Doesn’t surprise me, if you can’t trust your parent who can you trust? However she’s doing a lot better don’t worry. Because that little girl turned into a strong young woman. Who, at times, is a beautiful mess. 

Although I am doing better, and I am proud of that little girl who picked herself up every single time. I am flawed. 

Since he never took his responsibility I started to overcompensate. I carry the weight of the world on my shoulders, so others don’t have to. And maybe also because part of me wants to be in control all the time. Because when I let go of that control, others might walk out on me too.

 A perfectionist is what some would call me. And perhaps that is true. Probably because I have felt disappointed too many times and I simply would never want anyone else to feel like that about me. 

Some might say that I love too hard. 

And I never understood why anyone could think that it’s a bad thing. But when I love too hard and too much I forget to leave some room for myself sometimes. 

When a parent, the one person that should love you unconditionally, hurts you over and over and then abandons you that leaves a mark. And maybe it is the lack of that love that makes me love too hard and too much. Because I would never want a person that I care about not to feel loved. And that might also be the reason why I always feel the need to be so honest about my feelings even though it scares the living hell out of me. I need to express my feelings before they leave me too and it might be too late. 

I overcompensate, I love too hard and I care too much. 

Some people are not used to that, they might even think it is annoying. But it is simply who I am. I don’t let people into my life easily and the moment that I do I am afraid to lose them, so the overcompensating starts. 

And I could apologise for that, or I could simply accept that is part of me. Maybe those people that I love too hard and care too much about are very lucky without them realising it. Or perhaps, I realise as I am writing this,  it is me who is the lucky one since I am capable of feeling and sharing an insane amount of love. Even when with that insane amount of love an equal amount of heartbreak seems to be a package deal. 

I think this would be the perfect time to thank my ‘father(?)’ for all the heartache and trouble that he has caused. Because if it wasn’t -partly- for him I wouldn’t be the beautiful mess that I am today.

But most of the credit goes to that little girl at the beginning. Because that girl is brave. She never once gave up on herself she never once closed of her heart, better yet with every heartbreak she made it grow. She would built walls to protect herself but made sure to leave room for doors to carefully open. 

I laugh,  I cry , I  love and I dream really big , I lose my temper and I am an imperfect perfectionist.  I may be the most flawed person you’ll meet and I think that I am okay with that. 

All that’s left to say is ; I am really happy that little girl never gave up on herself even though her own father did. 

-Not his daughter,